Chapter 1- How it all started...

Like every ‘good Indian Girl’, amidst all the fanfare, paraphernalia and much pomp and show, I got married to the man that I had chosen. While we were still basking in our marital bliss, early one morning, I woke up with a terrible pain on the right side of my face. Although it was unbearable, I took a few painkillers and expecting it to subside, tried to go back to sleep. Two hours later, I was still feeling a stabbing pain and when I could not tolerate it anymore, I woke my husband up and he gave me another pain killer after which we both got ready and went to our respective work places. At work, I had a lecture scheduled which I barely managed to finish and had to rush back home because the pain was excruciating. It felt as if the entire right side of my face was being stabbed with daggers and after a while it would go numb. I prayed that I became unconscious because it was too much for me to bear. I reached home and called my mother who immediately rushed to be with me and I lay in her lap till my husband came in the evening. The only thing that was giving me relief was water which I would fill in my mouth and for some reason, while that water would be in the mouth, the pain would subside. I had finished three to four bottles of water in about three hours. As soon as my husband saw my condition, he rushed me to the local family doctor whose clinic was close by and the doctor immediately diagnosed my condition as ‘Trigeminal Neuralgia’ or TN. These were words that I had never heard before and did not understand what it meant either. The doctor prescribed some medicines and promised that these would provide immediate relief. On our way back from his clinic, we stopped by at the chemist and purchased the medicines and the moment we reached home, I popped those in and miraculously, as the doctor had promised, they did give me some relief and I slept. After about four hours I woke up with the same terrible pain and was given one of the pills again and this cycle went on every four hours till the next morning. In the morning when I opened my eyes, everything appeared hazy. After this, the entire month was terrible because we discovered that these medicines were nerve relaxants and would dull senses. We also got to know that TN gets worse with time because the body becomes resistant to the medicines and the only solution is to keep increasing the dose every now and then. One day while I was resting at home, my husband gave a frantic call to find out how I was feeling. I was a little worried because of his tone and I later got to know in the evening that he had browsed the internet to find out about TN and he was horrified to know what it was. What followed was days of investigations and visits to various neurologists and neuro- surgeons because TN was a condition in which the Trigeminal nerve in the face would misfire because of either a tumor in the brain or a vascular loop. What astonished all the doctors was that it usually presents in patients who were 50 years or older but I was only 28. An MRI was recommended. That added to our worries because both of us had already spent a lot of money on medication and visits to the doctors and the MRI would cost us a lot of money, at least it seemed to be a lot at that point. We somehow managed to arrange for the money and I was finally taken for the MRI on a Saturday afternoon. I remember spending 45 minutes inside the cylindrical contraption hearing various sounds and trying to bear the stabbing pain that kept coming back again and again. I remember chatting with God and requesting him to cure me as I had just started my life with my new family and I had my parents to take care of. My husband was very worried and later told me that he could have fainted just standing and waiting in anticipation. The reports revealed that I had a vascular loop near the fifth cranial nerve which was causing that pain and the only permanent solution was surgery.

Our worst fears had come true. Each day after that was a challenge as we would spend hours browsing the internet trying to find an alternative treatment. We were just hoping against odds to find a cure. More than anyone else, it was my husband who was getting affected by my condition, as he saw my condition deteriorate with every passing day. The doses of the medicines were increasing and the intake was becoming more and more frequent. We took the MRI reports to all neuro-surgeons we knew or could approach and all of them had the same diagnosis and suggested the same prognosis. On the insistence of one of these surgeon’s who was working in one of the most reputed hospitals of India and was my friend’s husband, we started planning for the surgery. The colleagues in my office were very co-operative and never pressurized me to be in office when I couldn’t during this entire struggling period. We informed my office that I will be missing office for a long time as the surgery and post surgery recovery would take very long. Although we had made up our minds about the surgery, my Husband was somehow not too convinced with the idea because he was fully aware of the fallouts of any surgery that needed any tampering with the brain. The complications in my case could have been as mild as loss of a mild sensation to facial paralysis. Very often he would come back home early from work just to be with me, or would get somebody to try Reiki for healing. Fortunately, his colleagues and superiors also understood the gravity of the situation and understood that he needed to be with me.

One sunny Sunday afternoon, I was feeling better so I cooked lunch for both of us and after lunch, he decided to watch a film while I decided to sleep. After fifteen minutes I suddenly felt as if somebody was repeatedly piercing daggers in my face. I writhed in pain and shouted for help. My husband came running and gave me the medicine. This time, the attack took very long to subside. After I felt a little better, my husband lay down besides me, running his fingers through my hair and carefully avoiding touching my face (touching also could trigger the pain off). I saw tears slowly welling up in his eyes and soon after that he was crying like a baby. He had decided that he would now stay with me day in and day out till the time I was cured. He was determined to take me away from these problems. He could not see me in so much pain. That day he made a promise to himself that he would take on the responsibility of fighting this problem that had unnecessarily cropped up in our blissful life. He started chanting for my complete recovery as he was a member of a Buddhist group. All his fellow members also started chanting for my complete recovery. We booked our tickets for our vacation and slowly, I still don’t know whether it was because of chanting or some other factor, my pain started to lessen. We went for our vacation where I tried to stay off the medicine and miraculously, the pain did not come back. After we came back from the vacation, we discovered, I was pregnant.

I know what you are going through- Post Partum Depression

All the women out there or partners of women who have ever, either given birth to a child/ been closely associated to someone who has given birth to a child- will definitely benifit from reading this- this is a psychologist's account of what she went through, herself, realizing much later, that what she was going through was actually post-partum depression.

This post will take you though the ups and downs/ the rollercoaster to self descovery and healing.

The title of the book is- ‘I know what you are going through’. It is a first hand account of a psychologist’s experience with post- partum depression- a condition that every 1 in 3 women faces after child birth but the awareness is next to nil.

This is the Preface to the Book- I know what you are going through that I am writing. Hope it heals.

Preface

Thirteen months after I had delivered my Son, a phone call from my childhood friend, prompted me to write this book. My friend called up and said, ‘I remembered you yesterday and cried’. I was surprised to hear what she said and could not understand the reason for her to cry. She went on to say, “I saw a documentary on premature babies and cried because it struck me like a jolt of lightening to see the plight of mothers who deliver pre mature babies. I realized how much you had gone through and you did not even share your feelings with anyone. You took it all in and did not even let anyone know.” These words of hers, it seems to me, ‘healed me’. I suddenly felt light in my heart and the first thought that came to my mind was that there would be so many women world over who would have felt the gamut of emotions like I did and out of those, there would still be a few who have not yet received a phone call, like the one that I had received and are probably still waiting to be healed.

Motherhood, I had heard, was a beautiful experience. When I delivered my baby, one and a half month premature, through an emergency C section surgery, the beautiful experience turned out to being an experience that I could not understand, cope with or enjoy, at least initially. My baby was born weak, frail, underweight and was gasping very hard for his breath. I realized many things much later. I could make sense of the sea of emotions that I was going through only after a few months of his birth. Writing this book has been a healing process for me and I hope that reading this book heals you too. I have gone through the same ordeals that all mothers of premature babies go through. Now, when I share my experiences of going through post- partum depression with people, most of them do not know the meaning of the word. They may know the experience, but do not know that it is a mental condition that may require doctor’s attention. This book is dedicated to all parents world over and I sincerely hope that reading this heals you because there are so many parents that are still waiting to get their acknowledgement.

Hi All!

This week, I plan to post about You! Write to me and let me know the topic that you want information on. I will reply and post on my blog about that problem. So this week, let me know what do you want to read about.

Toddler's First day of school

This one is for all those parents who's toddlers start school soon....

Its that time in your life when you are both relieved about your child securing a sear in a school and are anxious about sending him/ her away from you.

Foa ALL of us, our child is our most precious creation therfore is the BEST child in the world1
The first reaction that we have when someone criticizes our child is- How dare they!
There is one thing that we must all remember- Each Child is different.

The very thought of someone else controlloing our child scares us. We are anxious about how our child will behave and how will he be recieved in the new environment. We all have our sources of reference for our opinions. Some of our opinions are guided by what our parents told us about our first day of school, friend's experiences, stories or neighbours.

The anxiety that you are experiencing right now is called 'seperation anxiety'. Your toddler may be experiencing it more than you. Seperation anxiety is a normal reaction of a toddler but when we as parents pass on our anxiety to them, we made it very difficult for the child to adjust to the new situation.

The child looks at you for reassurance to ease his anxiety but if you are anxious, guilty, confused, worried, you will in turn increase his anxiety.

Before he starts school, you could do the following things that may help him:
1. Introduce him to strangers and let him be in the company of starngers for sometime while you watch from a distance. He should getv used to being with people becuae at this stage, his social skills will determine his adjustment at school.
2. Set a routine for him so that he gets into the habit of following one.
3. Talk to him about various things that he can look forward to. Get him excited about school, new friends, new books, new teacher, playground or whaever else appeals to him.
4. Answer ALL his queries and questions no matter how irrelevant they may seem to you. Never make fun of him. Let him understand that you understand his anxieties and that you are always there for him.
5. Tell him clearly who is going to drop/ pick him and you must follow it otherwise he will not trust you.
6. Tell him clearly what all are you going to put in his bag. Get him used to the idea of being responsible for his own bag and make sure he knows what to find where in it.
7. Explain to him clearly about whom to ask if he wishes to go to the toilet.
8. Never threaten him or develop an association between school and punishment.
9. when he starts school, ensure that you are informed about what is happening at school so that you can help him be at pace with the others in class.
10. Take the teachers advise constructively.
11. Listen to him, no matter how long it takes.

Your child, besides learning to read, will also learn social skills, collaborative play, taking orders and trusting people.

The most important thing that your child must understand and believe is that YOU are always there for him and that school is a fun place where he will be meeting new friends and will have the teacher as a guide.

If you want more tips or information, write to me..........

I Know what you are going through- Humiliation

This is for those of you who are feeling humiliated today!

Let us first understand what you must be feeling:

• Insulted and Hurt
• Angry, Irritated
• Depressed
• Helpless
• Powerless
• Remembering other event where you felt humiliated in the past.

The following thoughts must be going on in your mind:

• This is not fair
• how dare they
• I will take revenge
• what will others think of me
• Is this why I had put in so much effort!
• I am fed up with the person, the situation and with my life, I cant take this any more
• Only if I were in xyz position, I would have set him/ her right. That person does not deserve the present position
• That person does not deserve my respect.

Lets try to understand why this anxiety and unrest are there in your mind:

Your dignity and honour are hurt. Your ego is hurt and you are feeling powerless, degraded and disrespected because you disagree with the humiliation. If you agreed it was your fault, you would feel ashamed but not humiliated. You are at the recieving end. You feel this way because in the process of being humiliated, three parties are involved:

1. Humiliator- Powerful

2. You the victim- powerless

3. Witness- Audience.

You feel powerless and helpless because you are in a relationship with the humiliateor, either at workplace or in your personal life. You feel you demonstrate lack of power in the relationship as a result of which vindictive thoughts emerge.

But you must remember- the situation is such because of 'YOUR' perception of it.- "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"- Elenor Roosevelt.

Lets look at what can you do about it!

• Talk to a love done- it helps
• Stop blaming- it will only make you more vindictive and will harm you in the long run
• Speak to the humiliator. Do not react, talk it out- this prevents long term damage
• Remember, the audience will not judge you based on one event, their impression of you is based on a series of interactions.
• Practice humility- the truely humbe person cannot be humiliated- Donald Klein.
• Be confident of yourself. Do not let your self image be dependent on what others think of you.
• A thoughtful approach will prove benificial for you and the humiliator will not be successful in his/her intent.
• Learn to forgive because forgiveness is the best gift that you can give to yourself.

If you have other queries, write to me..........................

I Know what you are going through!

Hi All!

Have you ever wished that there was someone who would really understand what you are going through!

Have you ever searched the net to find answers to your problems or just to confirm or check whether you are the only one experiencing certain symptoms!

Have you ever secretly wished that someone will hold you and tell you that its going to be all right!

Have you ever been scared, inquisitive, worried, hassesled and wished that someone would help!

If yes, then this blog may answer some of your queries.............

Read on...... Welcome Aboard...........Our Journey begins............